Magazine News & Features The A-Z of condoms By Liam Murphy | @liamwaterlooI bet you think there’s a limited amount of information about condoms, don’t you? Well you’re wrong. There’s lots to know about using condoms for safer sex and protecting yourself from HIV and STIs. Not an A-Z worth of information, agreed, so it might get a little tenuous towards the end. But stick with it, at least you didn’t have to write the bloody thing.So here it is (because my editor hates me) the A-Z of condoms!A is for Anal Let’s face it, as gay men we’re only using condoms for one place: the arse (unless you use them for blow jobs, which you don’t, you liar). The majority of HIV transmission occurs through unprotected anal sex, and condoms – with the right water-based lube – happen to be super good at preventing that.B is for BottomingJust because you’re the bottom, it doesn’t mean you don’t have to think about condoms too. I KNOW as a bottom you’re doing most of the hard work already, but don’t rely on the top to be packing. Always have some condoms and lube to hand. Unless you’re at a funeral or something. That’s just inappropriate.C is for CondomsDuh.D is for drugsDrugs – particularly the chemsex trio of meph, G and crystal meth – lower your inhibitions and can make you feel hornier than me after watching Luke Cage in Jessica Jones (an admittedly niche reference). Condom use isn’t always a priority, but by making sure you always have them to hand if you’re having chemsex, going for regular HIV tests and setting limits, you can curb the risk.E is for ErectionsCondoms are often cited as the enemy of the erection, with such complaints as ‘loss of sensation’ or ‘it ruins the mood’. First, find the right condom for you. They come in all shapes (kinda), sizes and thicknesses. As for the insertus interruptus, keep the condoms close at hand. Nothing kills the mood more than having to get up and go to the cupboard to get them.F is for FailureCondoms are currently the most effective way of preventing HIV transmission (particularly now we won’t be getting PrEP on the NHS) and other STIs. However, condoms can fail. They can break, slip off, you can damage the condom by using the wrong type of lube. The effectiveness of condom use as a way of preventing HIV is around 86%. That’s why having a back-up plan or combining different safer sex strategies can keep you safer.G is for GUM clinicEven though you’re using condoms consistently, it’s still advisable to get a sexual health check-up at least once a year (for reasons cited above). Plus, you can stock up on free condoms while you’re there. Avoid the flavoured ones. Trust me.H is for HIV & STIsAs stated before, condoms currently represent the best way of preventing transmission of HIV (THANKS, THE NHS) and STIs, at least anally. But unless you’re also using condoms for oral sex, regular sexual health screenings are wise.I is for InconsistencyIf you’re using condoms some of the time but not all of the time, you’re still putting yourself at risk. It can be easy to convince yourself that occasional ‘slip-ups’ don’t count but always make sure you go for sexual health check-ups. If you think you’ve been exposed to HIV, then PEP (emergency medication) can be obtained from clinics and certain A&E departments.J is for JohnniesPeople call condoms many things – rubbers, sheaths, johnnies. Actually, no one has called a condom a ‘johnny’ since the mid-90s but I’ve got a whole alphabet to get through, so give me a break. The point is, whatever you call them, condoms can help prevent against HIV and STIs. And can make the occasional water balloon.K is for Keeping them closeWherever you are – in a pub, club, sauna, bedroom, office, alleyway, toilet, plane, train, miscellaneous automobiles – keep condoms and lube on you. You never know when your sexual hunger may strike.L is for LubeWhen you’re fucking with condoms, use lube and plenty of it. Water-based lube will mean that the condom is less likely to slip off or tear.M is for Mental HealthSomeone with low self-esteem or issues with depression can struggle with personal boundaries and negotiating safer sex. If this is the case, your local GUM clinic can put you in touch with a counsellor and help you devise a safer sex plan, which could include condoms.N is for NumerousThere are lots of different types of condoms out there, so you just need to find the one that suits you. From ribbed to flavoured and large to luminous, finding the right condom will enhance your sex life magnificently.O is for OralThe majority of guys don’t use condoms for blow jobs and if anyone reading this does, then please get in touch with me so we can prove you’re not a myth. The risk of HIV transmission through giving head is fairly low, especially if he doesn’t blow his wad in your mouth. If you’re the suckee, the the risk is practically non existent. However, please go for regular sexual health check-ups, as STIs such as chlamydia and gonorrhoea can be transferred through oral sex.P is for PEPPEP (Post-Exposure Prophylaxis) is an emergency medication that could stop you becoming HIV-positive if you think you’ve been exposed. When it comes to PEP, the sooner you take it the better, as there’s a 72-hour window of effectiveness. So if your condom breaks (or you didn’t use one) and you’re worried, head to your local clinic or A&E department and ask for it. (‘P’ was going to be for PrEP but since the NHS has refused to fund it...).Q is for QualityUnsure if your condom is a reputable and safe brand? Check for the British Standard kitemark (CE) on the box.R is for RespectIf your partner/lover/person you just met at the gym is a stickler for condoms, then respect their decision. You may have both tested negative for HIV the last time you went for a check-up, but that doesn’t mean you have a right to insist he ditch the condoms. It’s his body, his sexual health and ultimately his decision.S is for StigmaNow to flip the above coin. You may insist on using condoms but that doesn’t mean you can shame or stigmatise someone who doesn’t always use them. It also doesn’t mean you should make assumptions about someone living with HIV – to assume they became positive because they “just didn’t wear a condom” is inaccurate, insulting and stigmatising.T is for TestingCondoms or not, we should all be getting tested for HIV at least once a year. Maybe more depending on the type(s) of sex you have. The riskier the sex you’re having, the more often you’ll need to get tested.U is for UnsafeCondoms are a choice, but whenever you have unprotected sex with someone, there’s always a risk.V is for VaselineAnd anything else that isn’t a water-based lubricant. Anything oil-based with a latex condom could cause it to break. Other ‘terrible to use as lube’ brands are available.W is for WankingNot a fan of condoms? Here’s a tip: having a wank while wearing a condom could help programme your mind into thinking it’s a pleasurable thing. It’s a low pressure environment to experiment with condoms and condom types.X is for Cross infectionIf you’re HIV-positive and having unprotected sex with other HIV-positive guys, there is a chance you could contract a different strain of the virus, or pick up other STIs.Y is for YankingOnce you’ve finished your session and expunged your juices into the condom: Pull. Your. Dick. Out. Slowly. Yanking it out too fast could cause the condom to slip off as your cock deflates, depositing its contents in an undesirable location.Z is for...oh there’s nothing for this one. Leave me alone. Useful linksErection problems: www.gmfa.org.uk/erection-problems.Condoms and lube: www.gmfa.org.uk/condoms-and-lube.Cumming too quickly: www.gmfa.org.uk/cumming-too-quicklyTo buy cheap condoms and lube, visit the Freedoms shop at: www.freedoms-shop.com.