Your relationship

If you got HIV from your partner, it’s possible that he could be feeling guilty or angry that he infected you. He may well need your support and understanding just as much as you need his. Talking through how you are both feeling with each other is an important step in coming to terms with your situation, however it may take time. You may both be feeling different emotions and have different needs at first, so you may need to talk to someone you trust outside your relationship if it’s too hard for you to both deal with on your own.

"I’d been together with my partner for ten months when I was diagnosed with HIV. I knew he was positive, but it still came as a shock to us both when it happened. We were mostly safe when we had sex, so I suppose it was one of those stupid ‘one-offs’ we had when wrecked one weekend. Still, it was something that I’d been prepared for, but I wasn’t prepared for his reaction. He was devastated. He felt so guilty that he’d infected me and I ended up spending most of my time trying to help him through my diagnosis. When I needed to talk about how I felt he found it difficult, so I ended up talking to a close friend instead, and he provided the shoulder I needed until my partner felt more able to talk. I also found the internet useful, and found a couple of positive chat rooms where I got a load of useful advice and help from the other positive guys who were online. We’re ok now and both over the shock. I don’t know how we’d have lasted if I hadn’t found others to talk to at the time though." (Jim, 28) 

If you got HIV from someone other than your partner after you got together, how this affects you both may well depend on what rules you had for having sex with other men. If you hadn’t agreed to an open relationship then telling him you have HIV may well be much harder than if you had. This situation may be very difficult for him to deal with, and one that your relationship may not be able to withstand. You’ll need to give him time to come to terms with you having sex with someone else, getting HIV and the possibility and worry that you may have also passed it onto him. Remember, though, that even if you have had unprotected sex with your partner since you got HIV, he may still not be infected. However, since you know that you have HIV, if you continue to have sex without telling him and if your viral load is not yet undetectable, then you are likely to do more damage to your relationship. If you give him HIV without him knowing you are HIV-positive you will also be leaving yourself open to prosecution, which we talk more about in the section on HIV Transmission and the Law.

It’s also possible that it was your partner who got HIV from outside your relationship after you got together, and then passed it on to you. If that’s the case then it’s possible that you could be feeling angry towards them, especially if your relationship was supposed to be monogamous. He may not have even been aware that he was HIV-positive. If you do feel angry and need to let off steam with someone, you could talk it through with a mutual friend, preferably someone who is also HIV-positive, first.

If you are starting out in a new relationship or you’ve met someone who you are keen on and haven’t yet discussed HIV, trying to plan when and how to tell him you have HIV may not be easy. It may well depend on whether you have had sex with him yet and whether you used condoms or not. We talk more about this in the section on Looking for a Relationship.

Whatever your situation, having HIV in your relationship is something that is often best dealt with through each other’s mutual support and understanding. This, along with honest dialogue, can also help to make relationships stronger in the long run. You may be surprised how deeply you are both affected by HIV in your relationship. Talking things through will not only help you to understand what your partner needs, but will also help him to understand what you are going through, and what living with HIV means for you.

Although talking to each other is important, you may not both want to talk about HIV the same amount. Just as you wouldn’t want to be defined by your HIV status, you probably wouldn’t want your relationship to be defined by status either. Try not to immerse yourselves completely in talking about HIV and continue to do the things together that you enjoyed before and that made your relationship work. This will help you to both take your minds off what’s happening for a while and remind you of why you are together.

If you feel you and your partner need help in dealing with HIV in your relationship there are people who can help. You’ll find information about the support available later in the section on Relationship Support.

HIV can also have an effect on your sex life. Losing your sex drive or problems getting an erection can be a result of having to deal with the fact you have HIV, or caused by the stress of trying to deal with HIV in your relationship. You can find information and advice about this in the section on Positive Sex. 

If you have a relationship with an HIV-negative man, this relationship is known as a sero-discordant or sero-different relationship. Sero-discordant relationships are where one partner has HIV and the other does not.

It’s not unusual for HIV to be a big issue for both the negative partner and the positive partner in a sero-discordant relationship. There’s the possibility that you could pass it on to your partner, and this can be a real worry for both of you. Some men find this fear of transmission causes problems with the relationship, and sometimes the relationship may not be strong enough to cope with this fear.

However, sero-discordant relationships are not impossible. There are plenty of gay men in relationships where one has HIV and the other does not. It’s important for you both to be able to talk to each other about what HIV in the relationship means to you, and your fears and worry about passing HIV on.

Honest and open discussion about using condoms and the kind of sex you want, taking into account the different risks to your partner, will help you to develop a strategy for managing HIV in your relationship. Being on treatment and having an undetectable viral load will also greatly reduce the chance of HIV being passed on during sex. There’s no reason why you and your partner can’t have a healthy and fulfilling sex life and at the same time reduce the risk of passing on HIV to him.

You may be HIV-undetectable, which means you are on effective medication and therefore you cannot pass on HIV. Your partner may be on PrEP, which means he is protected against HIV. With these medical advancements, it makes being in sero-different relationships easier than ever.

"My partner was diagnosed with HIV 6 years ago. He got HIV from a man he had sex with outside our relationship. We always had an open relationship and so we had talked about the possibility that one of us could bring HIV into the relationship. When it happened it was still a big shock to both of us, however, but as we had discussed things beforehand we found that we could talk about how to manage our relationship and especially our sex life without any blame or fear of what the other may think. We didn’t use condoms for fucking before he was diagnosed, but since then we stay as safe as we can be. It’s just something that takes a bit of getting used to but reaching for the condoms and lube every time we want to fuck now seems second nature.
Six years on and I’m still HIV negative. We intend to keep it that way, and although it’s not always easy to be good we have managed not to let HIV get in the way of the love and lust we have for each other." (Adrian, 37)

It’s not uncommon for partners of HIV-positive men to assume the role of primary carer in situations where the HIV-positive man is experiencing problems with his health.

Having your partner become your primary carer can be highly stressful for both of you. Emotionally it is likely to be hard for your partner to cope with seeing the person he loves in poor health, and switching between the roles of lover and carer may prove difficult for him.

He may have fears about your future which he doesn’t feel he can discuss with you. In this situation it’s important that he finds someone to talk to, maybe a close friend, so he gets the chance to release any bottled up emotions and fears about your situation.

If you are in poor health, having to rely on your partner can cause feelings of anger about losing some of your independence, and guilt for having to lean on him so much. Often in situations where one partner is also primary carer, both will have worries that aren’t discussed. There is support available for you and your partner if you are in this situation, but being honest and open with each other, or even with a close friend, about how you feel will help you to better cope with the stressful times.

"My partner hasn’t been well for a long time. He has severe pains in his hands and feet caused by peripheral neuropathy and this makes it difficult for him to get about or do much for himself at least half of the time. This has meant that I’ve found myself in the role of his primary carer when he’s in pain. Although I’m kind of used to it now it hasn’t been easy, and sometimes it isn’t still. As well as working full time I also do most of the shopping, cooking and cleaning so I don’t get much time to relax each day. This on top of watching the man I love in distress most days is very hard, and sometimes I really do struggle to cope. Having said all this, we do manage to get by, and despite everything we have been and are going through we are very happy together. However, I can’t tell him how much it affects me when I’m finding it hard going – I just couldn’t pile up that guilt on him when he’s already in pain. I have a lot of close friends who I can offload to and they give me the support I need when I ask, and without them I don’t know how I’d cope." (Adrian, 37)

If you do feel that you or your partner needs some help dealing with your situation, then you’ll find information about the support available in the section on Relationship Support.

If you are unable to work due to ill health, or need help with looking after yourself or getting about, then you and your primary carer may well be entitled to some state benefits.